Right on the tail of HAMP, HAFA, HVCC, MARS, and MAP, our acronym loving government has unveiled a new initiative to address the depressed housing market. Since 3 and 4 letter acronyms haven't worked thus far, a bi-partisan initiative is getting final approval in both houses- The Federal Universal Big Acronym Regulation, or FUBAR.
FUBAR has had some components since the early 1970s, but it has been streamlined and updated to address the housing market of 2011. "Our goal," according to congressman Barney Frank "is to implement FUBAR before the end of the year and make the whole economy FUBAR, once we FUBAR the housing market." Even Republicans have grudgingly admitted that FUBAR is what they do best, and what makes the most sense.
Some of the elements of FUBAR Include:
- The marginalizing of the FHA program, the backbone of the housing industry since the 1930's, which must make it bad;
- The eradication of the Federally chartered entities such as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, which have become the scapegoats for the downturn;
- The end of the mortgage interest deduction, because Lithuania has a higher ownership rate than we do, and they don't have it. And we have so much in common with Lithuania. Or Latvia, but it doesn't matter.
- The phasing out of the 30-year fixed mortgage, which gave the USA a false sense of being "special."
- Old carry over rules will continue the draconian regulation of field agents in lending and real estate, making them shit their pants anytime they are asked about schools, crime statistics, nearby houses of worship and other irrelevant matters on choosing a home.
- Loan officers will be paid "something," according to Congress insiders, and that number will be made public once they figure out how to splice the decimal. However, they won't be able to quote borrowers a rate or a payment and face genital branding with a hot iron if their good faith estimate is more than $75 different from the HUD-1.
- Executives and policy makers will continue their exemption from just about any regulation or consequence of their actions, a holdover from the days of prosperity, according to those close to the committee.
- Closing attorneys will still be allowed to have their wife walk into the closing room and introduce her as the "title company." If Real estate agents or loan officers are related without the informed consent and endorsement of the lender, title, buyer, seller, local rabbi, and dog catcher they face being dipped in molasses and fed to red ants.
- All federal incentives for ownership will instead be applied to renters, which is intended to stimulate this oppressed, yet growing, group. "Have you ever been in a 'cat house?' boomed Eric Cantor (R) when asked about rental subsidies. "I've been in my share of cat houses. And those ladies own. They don't rent. We have enough cat houses, I've checked. It's time to help renters."
Also deemed the Federal Undertaking for Big Advance of Renting, FUBAR is embraced by Vice President Biden as well. "FUBAR, man. FUBAR. Can ya dig it?" The Vice president then stuffed the rest of his roast beef sandwich in his mouth and booked a 2 week vacation to the south of France before drinking some Johnny Walker Blue straight from the bottle.