New Buyer Bill of Rights Passed!

J Philip Faranda November 18, 2009

Did you hear? It was actually signed into law by President Bush but hasn’t been publicized much. However, I’m sure you’ve had buyers invoke their rights recently. A few highlights of the law:

 

  • Buyers are allowed to refer to any kitchen or bathroom renovated prior to 2003 as “outdated.”
  • In accordance with findings of the Food and Drug Administration as well as the Surgeon General, granite counter tops are the only acceptable surface for food preparation. Corian is acceptable only with a variance.
  • Also, no kitchen appliance can be anything other than stainless steel.  
  • The only acceptable storage for clothing is a walk in closet. 
  • No US citizen can relieve them self in a bathroom that does not have ceramic tile and a column sink. 
  • No home is habitable without a “Master Suite.” “Master” must comprise of a master bath with jet bath, walk in closet, vaulted ceiling, and be updated on or after January 2, 2003. 
  • Any basement with a hint of humidity, a dehumidifier, or both, shall be referred to as a “Wet flooded disaster.” A basement that is actually musty shall be hereby referred to as a “pond.” 
  • Any driveway with a slope of more than 8 degrees shall be referred to as an insurmountable winter deathtrap, but only after the ceremonial words “what the hell are we going to do when it snows?” are uttered.
  • No driveway or walkway will be deemed completed unless it has pavers, cobblestone, or some other exquisitely expensive element.
  • A house built prior to 1995 and not extensively updated to the above standards will be referred to as a “fixer upper.” 
  • A home that is not in compliance is only allowed if the sellers are above the age of 70 (or dead. Or both.), but only if they bought the house prior to 1980 and they agree to utilize the “warning odor” of mothballs. 
  • When a home that is termed to be “in compliance” with the above criteria, and the seller has not accepted the $50,000 off-price offer from the buyer in favor of a full priced bid, the buyers are allowed to piss and moan for a month that they thought this was a buyer’s market, the sellers are unfair and that their agent is an out of touch, lazy, misinformed gnu.

 

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