My Car, Illustrated

J Philip Faranda November 13, 2010

There are people that have a perception of my car that is in fact quite different from how it really is. It is a nice automobile if I say so myself. I drive a 2008 BMW 528XI that I bought in the summer of 2007. I was 40, and given the amount of time I spend driving, Ann and I both agreed that I should upgrade my wheels. Up until that point I had a 1996 Saab that gave its last somewhere in Orange County on Route 17. Tom Ricapito saved my rear end that day, which is another blog post. Those that know me teased me about buying a BMW, but I worked for 18 years and it got the wifely endorsement. 

Over the years, however, as I work in the real estate industry, I think my clients, who often reach me while I am driving, feel that my car has features that it does not have. It has German engineering, all-wheel drive and fuel injection (I think) but not some of the other things that the people calling me seem to think are available. I’ll illustrate:

That is my car on the top of the graphic. The one below is the car some people must think I drive. 

My Car as I see it and as my clients see it

The car some clients think I have is quite a vehicle. Here are some of its features, not found on the car in my driveway right now: 

The Satellite dish has a direct link to the company files, enabling me to immediately access specific data while driving with digital specificity and lightning speed. It tells me on a dashboard readout (think “Nightrider”) when emails arrived, what they said, when faxes arrived, what they said, and other data germane to active and pending files. 

The Flux Capacitor enables the car to run without gas or oil. Clients sometimes get annoyed when I forget this solar-powered feature which makes the car impervious to needing oil changes or petroleum-based refueling. The Flux Capacitor makes me more available to serve clients’ needs. 

The Orb of Prescience on my dashboard has most of the power of my satellite dish, except that the data it culls is specifically from the future. It enables me to answer questions like “Do you think we’ll sell?” and “How do you think they’ll react to our counter offer?” with 100% accuracy, all while driving. 

The USB ports are where the fossil fuel tank cap used to be. They enable me to fire up my laptop, update my lockbox, print things, read and forward email, and operate other types of technology while I drive. They are on the exterior of the automobile so they do not detract from the plush luxury of the interior, reserved exclusively for clients riding with me. 

The Rear Spoiler and Aerodynamic design of the car enable me to “fold space” and time, so as to never be late, overcoming all the vagaries of the real estate industry. Client’s time is precious, and must never be undermined by an appraiser, contractor or fellow licensee who is not as punctual as I. Therefore, when I am running late, I simply engage the Hyper Drive under the hood, getting me where I need to go safely (thank you rear spoiler!) and, more importantly, on time. 

The “TerrainDevourer (r)” brand tires get me anywhere in inclement weather. The snow and ice of New York winters are no match for “TerrainDevourer” brand tires. I can go anywhere, anytime with these babies. They are also certified flotational devices for the models sold in Minnesota. 

This car is not manufactured by Bavarian Motor Works, it is from Alpha Centuri Motor Works. There is a difference (TM). 

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